The big family secret...one woman's successful journey to overcome destructive family programming...
Our Initial Meeting…
Was there one defining moment that made you finally see the truth? What did you do when you realized your family was not what you thought?
These were some of the questions I asked one of my favorite clients as she told me her story. I can still picture her face as the tears welled up in her eyes.
The Narcissistic Mother…
She always had a soft spot for the family. In hindsight, she could now see that her mother was a narcissist who was very divisive.
Her mother was very successful at keeping the world revolving around herself by subtly pitting her children against each other. She knew all the right buttons to push.
Things That Didn’t Add Up…
As everyone became adults, things were still out of balance.
She never forgot their special occasions, but most of them couldn’t pick up the phone for five minutes a year to see how she was doing or wish her a happy birthday. Then there were the invitations to gatherings that usually came only when a present would be expected.
As Things Start to Be Revealed…
She kept believing these lies until one day, her dad became terminally ill. When she lost her dad, she knew her life was forever changed. She thought it was only because it was such a big loss to her. She loved him dearly, cared for him when he was sick and he passed away in her arms.
She had no idea all the "little things” that would keep unraveling.
The Defining Moment…
It took many years and many disappointments to finally see the truth.
She was downsized from her job. It was a stressful time. She looked to see who was there to help her, what a big surprise when she realized she was in this alone.
We worked together to assess her situation and create a step by step solid, realistic plan to move forward. We worked together to help keep her on track and accountable to achieve her goals. She was truly a rock star! Not only did she achieve her goals and survive, but eventually thrive.
Out of such great loss came great realizations. This was the beginning of her new life.
The blinders were finally off.
She now knew her true value and her ability to accomplish anything she put her mind to.
She no longer makes excuses for others.
Once you see the truth in one thing, you can't help but see the truth in everything.
For more information on how we can work together to help you create your plan,
contact Kathleen @ 908-319-0050
email @ email@example.com
About the author Kathleen Tucka
Kathleen Tucka is an accomplished award winning Life, Career & Business Coach, Personal Advocate & Entrepreneur. Having worked over twenty years in the corporate world managing successful businesses and coaching her teams to achieve their goals, she now works in her private practice coaching individuals to successfully create their plans and achieve their goals. She is passionate about enjoying her life which includes traveling the world learning new things every day!
Find her & "like" her on Facebook “Kathleen Tucka Sunny Life Coach”
More blog posts www.sunnylifecoach.com/blog
Do you want so much to fit in that you agree with everyone on every issue?
Do you try so much not to stand out that you blend into the wallpaper?
Is that really where you want to be?
Welcome to the world of the “People Pleasers.”
A place where everyone's happy EXCEPT you.
Why is everyone happy but you?
Secretly you’re angry, frustrated, miserable and isolated?
Why is it that people don't understand your needs when you are constantly looking after theirs?
Take note, people pleasing can be hazardous to your well-being.
Are you a People Pleaser?
Take this test:
On the surface you seem peaceful and easy-going. The kind of friendly person we can rely on to pick us up from the airport at midnight, plan our birthday parties, babysit our homes and animals and call for all our little favors.
But beneath that calm and peaceful exterior there's someone a little more edgy. Someone who is plagued with self-doubt, who is living in fear, feels suppressed, feels isolated and alone and who doesn't like themselves very much at all, despite their "nice guy" persona. You certainly aren't your own best friend.
Given that you say or do the "right thing" to please others, is it any wonder then that most people don't really know you?
Sadly, it is common for “People Pleasers” to harbor the destructive belief that deep down they are not good enough, that they may be unlikable or worst still, feel unlovable...or do you have other reasons for keeping peace like some complicated family dynamic?
Whatever your reason is, it’s no wonder your over-compensating seems a good way to cover up this devastating and entirely unfounded fear.
Have you ever played down a success of yours in order to not offend or to be "liked"?
You know deep down that diminishing your own accomplishments
to make other people’s lack of success more comfortable to them is not good for anyone and it’s so exhausting!
Here are some thoughts to start considering -
Stop trying to please others and start trying to please YOURSELF:
It's OK to be you.
Enjoy yourself. Others who share your interests will follow.
The opposite of being a People Pleaser isn't being an arrogant bully.
Rest assured, you will never reach this status. Aim for quietly assertive.
Being the “authentic” you in all relationships, honors who you are and keeps your integrity in tact - your needs and emotions will make you more not less attractive to others. You owe it to yourself to step up and show the world who you truly are.
When you do, you'll find you'll develop a fan club that want to honor and please YOU!
How great would that be?
If you are still struggling,
Contact Kathleen @ firstname.lastname@example.org
Online Life Coach - working with clients NYC, NJ, PA & throughout the USA and beyond...
About the author Kathleen Tucka
Kathleen Tucka is an award winning Life, Career and Business Coach. Having worked over twenty years in the corporate world managing successful businesses and coaching her teams to achieve their goals, she now works in her private practice coaching individuals to successfully create their plans and achieve their goals. She is passionate about enjoying her life which includes traveling the world learning new things every day!
Find her on Facebook “Kathleen Tucka Sunny Life Coach"
Why Shouldn’t You Be Your Own Best Friend?
Are you like Groucho Marx and would never join a club that would have you as a member?
Do you find the idea of self-love strange or a little distasteful?
Everyone does something that makes them feel good about themselves.
We have been programmed to believe that there is something immodest as well as a bit desperate, about "being your own best friend" for it seems to suggest not so much that you really love yourself but that no one else does.
It only gets worse from there. We are not only so bad at being good to ourselves, we can also be overcritical of ourselves. When we truly love someone in our lives, we will recognize and reward them for their achievements. When it comes to us, we not only don’t reward ourselves, we can punish ourselves or self-sabotage our future success.
Another piece of cake? A new pair of shoes you can manage if you put it on a 12-month payment plan? Another supersize cocktail, it's been one of those days? …or just little trinkets that you believe don’t really count. They lift your spirits for the moment but loses its uplifting effect an hour later.
You don't have to be overweight, broke or an alcoholic to realize these little tokens of self-love wear off quickly and the short-term pleasure they bring becomes a form of self-sabotage.
At the other end of the self-loathing spectrum, there are those who equate "doing it for me" with extreme dietary deprivation or exercise routines that would make a graduate of the Marine Corp “Boot Camp” cringe, but you justify it by telling yourself it might make you feel "good" later. Life is too short to torture yourself.
I have news for you. There is a middle ground between self-loving and self-loathing and it is not indifference. It is about doing things that feel pretty good in the short term and very good long term.
Feeling good about yourself is not one size fits all. There are things everyone can do, even if you're not your own best friend, at least you can feel pretty good about yourself and some of the things that you have accomplished.
Here is the “How to” of being your own “Best Friend”:
Here are some “coaching” questions to get you started:
Kathleen Tucka is based in the Saucon Valley/Lehigh Valley, PA area providing Career, Life and Business Services. Sunny Life Coach provides Career, Life and Business solutions helping everyday people achieve extraordinary results.
Email Kathleen @ email@example.com
How Lucky Do You Feel?
Are you feeling lucky? Perhaps you're having a "don't ask" sort of day? Why is it, you wonder, that some people are given great big buckets from which to dip into the river of wealth and happiness while you were handed a teaspoon with a hole in it? If there is a silver lining to every cloud, why are you the only one who just sees it as the start of a hurricane brewing?
If your toast always crashes to the floor butter-side down and it's not that the glass is half empty but you got a little “black cloud” over your head, then it may be high time for you to re-tune your attitude.
As coaches we often say that what we focus on expands. Ladies who have a battle with the morning mirror while dressing will know all too well what we’re talking about. Bottoms appear larger and tummies jiggle. All our best features are obliterated by our absorption of what we perceive as imperfect. Before you know it our bottoms and bellies have eclipsed out the sun.
When we focus and concentrate on what we see as the negative in ourselves, our lives or our current situation, it becomes magnified. It just gets bigger, all consuming and negatively dominates our perspective. We feel low and depressed, victimized and frustrated with our situation and our lives. "Why me?" becomes our moaning mantra and we shrug our cynical shrug, narrow our eyes at all those for whom life is "easy" and shuffle through our days in our gloom and doom mentality. We continue to focus on each and every negative occurrence in our lives as to reinforce and convince ourselves that nothing good will every happen.
It has to be said that there is something annoying about Pollyanna people who always look on the bright side. They can get on my nerves too! However, if your natural default position is one of pessimism and bad luck, love and life on easy street is something that happens to other people, you are living a diminished life built on fear.
Everyone gets the blues.
Here are some self-coaching questions to get you from Life is no fun to Life's Good.
Then book that no obligation 30 minute “Try Me” coaching session with me now.
Contact Kathleen click here
Who Do You Want to Be When (or if) You Grow Up?
(growing up is optional…achieving your dreams is not)
Perhaps you've already got there and are living the dream, having the life and being the “YOU” you always wanted to be. We wish you all the best. Is achievement and happiness still not enough for you? What is your next mountain to climb?
Not there yet?
What do you mean you had big plans but Life got in the way? What's that you say? You're not sure what you want which only means you will definitely not know when you have gotten there.
If you have made some progress but are permanently stuck and not sure if you are living your dream or how you even got there- it's OK, you've come to the right place.
As children we have mighty big dreams for ourselves. We confidently say - "Oh I'm going to be an astronaut, president or invent something grand ..." and shrug as though it were a given. Job done. So be it.
Then life delivers knock-downs, disappointments, rejections, heart ache and woe. Our little white umbrellas of hope get battered and torn as the storms of life take their toll and it seems easier to retreat than forge on.
We've all been there. Yes, all of us; even the really successful, happy and contented folk. And here's the bottom line - it's how you choose to deal with all of those set-backs and hardships that is the key to becoming all you ever wanted to be.
Our perception of the world can create "can-do" or "can't ever do" attitudes. It can make us feel like victors as well as victims, millionaires or paupers. Our beliefs and perceptions can trip us up, keep us down, enable us to climb the highest mountain or stay stuck in the corner sulking and sucking our thumbs.
One of the first casualties of negative perceptions is a serious downturn in confidence. Fear grabs us and keeps us stuck in excuses, pain and indecision. We start to question ourselves as our internal critic acts like a weight on our dreams and actions.
In coaching clients who say their lack of confidence is holding them back it's important from the start to establish what being confident means.
It doesn't mean being a bragging, loud bore that people would clear a bar in 30 seconds. Why not aim for quietly assertive?
Here's The How
Here are a few coaching questions to help you take a step nearer who you want to be:
Contact Kathleen click here
Patience vs. Procrastination…
Which is it for you?
Trust me, I've been there. I've willed someone to "rescue" me from my life and myself; a kind of living hell of unmet expectations and dashed hopes. Wasting years of my life in a “holding pattern” believing it would somehow work itself out if I could just work harder. I waited for my world to change. But it wasn’t about working harder, it was about working smarter with a focus.
I can't tell you how many times I questioned why things weren’t just magically happening and kept pushing myself harder thinking I needed to do more.
That was until I decided to change my approach.
I stopped expecting the world to say to me I see how hard you work, you should have this and then hand it to me
I took a step back, stopped all activity, refocused, clarified my vision and started digging my "escape tunnels" instead. I changed my focus and turned up the creativity. When I quit waiting for life to deliver, these wonderful things eventually came to me - out of a place of gleaming hope and zero fear I found the courage to gain my certifications and launch my business which is now a career I adore. I couldn't have done a lot of this without life coaching and business coaching.
My blood runs cold to think what life would've been like if I hadn't had bothered. If I'd left it to chance. If I'd given up.
And the definition of luck? It's when preparedness meets opportunity.
Something else to ponder…
I love your passion, your determination and your eye on the outcome. But it is vital to live in the now as you follow your dream. You can't put life on hold until you drop the dress size, meet your dream date or take over Apple. The journey is as important and patience must mean that you enjoy your life in its fullest while holding your dream deep in your heart.
Take one step at a time, get help, tell friends, create a community, do what you have to do to get there. Seize the day and never, ever give up.
Why not start right now and book a 30minute No Obligation "Try Me" session session with Kathleen click here
Contact Kathleen click here
Which Path Do I Choose?
Do you have so many options and choices that it paralyzes you from making a simple decision?
Are you a perfectionist? Does that cause you to delay any decisions because you want everything just perfect?
At some point everyone will need to make at least one decision and then the next decision based on the outcome of the first decision. But if you are stuck you don’t make any decisions, this is where the challenge lies.
This is the time where a life coach can really help to support and guide you to get on the right path.
Your coach acts as your guide, your mentor, your mirror, your designer and your partner to success. By using simple coaching techniques, your coach helps you to create your plan for success. But you need to continue to take baby steps in order to move forward.
The simplest way to give you clarity is to look at your “big picture” your long term goal.
Then when each decision comes up – you ask yourself how will my decision impact my long term goal – if it is positive (even if it is a baby step in the right direction) it is still good. If it will impact your long term goal negatively then you need to rethink your decision.
Do you want so much to not make a mistake that you do nothing?
Is this really where you want to be? Are you comfortable letting other people make choices for you because you are stuck. Are you happy with other people’s left overs?
By not taking any action or making any decisions, you are unfortunately making decisions, but not the best ones for you.
With so many choices out there of course, it is important to choose the right path and deal with the consequences.
But when you are crippled by procrastination and indecision you may find that life passes you by as you ponder away the years.
You are not alone. I have coached many people of all ages, who are beginning to find some satisfaction in claiming their life and making their own decisions and choices.
Here are a few coaching questions to help you clarify your vision:
Searching for happiness or following your passion is often the backbone to coaching sessions. This is great when the coach is guiding you through the process of goal setting and coming up with strategies to get you to your destination.
By not making any decisions, you are living your life from the sidelines allowing others to take what they want and you taking whatever is left over. At some point, you need to claim your life and take responsibility for yourself and your actions.
Using simple life coaching techniques, you need to look at what taking action would look like to you? Does it take you where you want to be? If not, your life coach can support you in making changes to achieve your goals.
If you are still struggling book my no obligation "Try Me" coaching session.